How To: Get Over Your Ex

We’ve all been there. We all have that one person that we just can’t seem to get over. Unless, of course, you are some kind of magical, emotionless unicorn. In which case, don’t bother reading this article. But, for us mere mortals, loving someone is scary and most of the time, it goes wrong. So here goes nothing.

Dearest friends and haters, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time to talk about how to get over your ex. As per usual, I must inform you that I am not a qualified expert so don’t take this too seriously. However, I’d also like to inform you that I do, personally, consider myself an expert on this topic. So, buckle up kids, we are about to get really real, really quickly.

Closure is a lie!

First of all, as you probably expect, I won’t bother with clichés. I’m not going to tell you that you need to find someone new to move on (although sleeping with their best friend could do the trick) or that closure is important. Because sleeping with other people doesn’t work and closure is a god damn myth. It doesn’t exist. Let me tell you now, I’ve had all the closure in the world. I asked all the questions and got all the answers and did it help? Hell to the no. Getting closure is like a 20 pack of nuggets. It seems like a good idea at the time, but you’ll very quickly learn that it is, in fact, a pile of greasy shit. Don’t be fooled boys and girls. If your ex wants ‘closure’, what they really mean is they want to make themselves feel better about what they did. Or they want sex. Either way, they definitely do not want closure.

Let it out!

If you’re angry, BE ANGRY! If you’re sad, BE SAD! The worst thing you can do is bottle it all up until it all comes out in one huge mess. You could end up like Britney Spears 2007 and shave off all your hair after one night in rehab. We don’t want that. I’m giving you permission to feel. Take as much time as you need.

Scream in your car, cry in the street and smash up the presents they gave you (Yes, I really did this once and there is video evidence).

Don’t sleep with them

May seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how stupid some people can be (*cough cough* me *cough cough*) But seriously, break up sex sounds appealing but it will only hurt you in the long run. And its going to be a really long run, let me tell you now. So, DON’T DO IT!

Everyone is different!

Breakups are different for everyone. Some people can block their ex and be in a new relationship within the week and others can be heartbroken for years. Unfortunately for me, I fell into the ‘heartbroken for years’ category. But I got out of it. It took some god damn hard work and a hell of a lot of time but here I am. I’ve officially blocked my ex (mainly so he doesn’t see this article but whatever, it’s still a milestone) and you should too! You ended for a reason, remember that. Everyone goes on their own breakup journey so don’t judge yourself.

Time heals all

The only cliché I agree with. Time really, really, REALLY helps. I cannot stress this enough. If you are sitting there, 6 months out of a 2-year relationship, wondering why you haven’t moved on yet then just stop where you are. Time is powerful. It will get better. Please, just trust me on this one. Time heals all wounds. You’re going to have to stop poking at that wound eventually, put a bandaid over it and let it heal.

Moving on is not moving on to someone else

Unless that someone else is you. Getting into another relationship does not mean you have moved on. It means you have found someone to fill a hole that you should have patched up yourself. I had a hole for a long time, I didn’t need to fill it with another person (yeah, this is not a good metaphor. I can hear it, guys don’t worry. But you get what I’m trying to say). If you need some tips on how to be single, I’ve got you covered.

Basically, feel your feelings, don’t sleep with your ex, spend time with yourself and you’ll be right! The pain will probably never go away, I’m sorry. You could be left with trust issues for all eternity. But it will get better. Most importantly, as always, don’t forget to call yourself a sexy bitch at LEAST once a DAY if you’re going through a break up. Be kind to yourself.

xx Sammy

Disclaimers

• No shade to Britney Spears, my true queen, even with no hair
• No shade to people who are serial monogamists and move on to someone new within a week. I envy you, yet wish you didn’t. VERY unhealthy. (okay, maybe a little bit of shade)